"Lights turn on and off by themselves! Lamps AND overhead switches. It's a ghost or something".
And that "something" is voltage fluctuation in the case of switches, and the same, or faulty or erratic wiring in the case of lamps. The majority of "hauntings" take place in old ("creepy") buildings with older model switches, which can be very sensitive to any surge, or decline of power, thus not only turning the lights off and on, but also causing the switch to flick as if someone....or someTHING, MUAHAH, touched it. This can also happen with lamps, but it is less frequent. And before you tell me about how a toy or an alarm or something does the same thing when no one's around, they're made to respond to kinetic energy: touch, vibrations, the like, and the wiring and circuitry, already "sensitive" enough for such a purpose, also happens to be made in China. Led capital of the world...
"My doors/walls/floorboards pop and crack for no apparent reason..."
No "apparent" reason is right. And that less than apparent reason has to do, once again, with kinetic energy transference. Houses make noise, its a fact. Why do they make noise? Lets take the example of the floor. You're lying in bed one night, just about to nod off, when, suddenly, the floor beneath you lets out this terrible "POP!". What could have made this noise? Are there spirits afoot? Well, only if you find the wind, pets (in the case of those who let animals out at night) or rats to be "spiritual". Houses are composed of wood, nails, stone, and other things you'll find at Lowe's, all of which are extremely sensitive to vibrations caused by forces such as the wind, cars, low-flying, or, in some cases, simply flying air crafts, and, of course, good old fashioned trouble makers like wild or stray animals or vermin. Sometimes something as insignificant as a rat under the house passing gas can cause the pipe it's sitting on to carry the force of its fart into the nearby board which just so happens to be one of your bedroom floor boards, and just so happens to have sustained significant usage via you walking over it earlier, causing it to pop. This is why houses need repairs, the constant wear and tear caused by everything from external forces, to the most potent cause of their decay, the tenants themselves, is why hardware stores exist. What, you think that condemned building down the street was built that way?
"I had an out-of-body/near-death experience, I saw...my friends/relatives/heaven/hell/angels/demons/Elvis etc.., and I know beyond the shadow of a doubt, that there is life after death..."
Do you now? Well, you're free to believe whatever helps you through the dungeon of life, and I, being an agnostic atheist, am not about to tell you that your undoubtedly, irrefutably wrong concerning this belief...
however, I feel obliged (well, okay, more like I've found a snotty way to kill time) to inform you that there IS a less esoteric explanation for what you experienced.
We are creatures of our nervous system. Without a nervous system, we are not; it is what supports the phenomenon of what we call "mind", from which, all manner of metaphysical concepts--like souls--spring.
And why not? Afterall, the brain is an organ that is constantly at work; whether its giving orders to the more menial organs, supplying the sensation of fear to dangerous situation, or creating a stunning work of art, its always doing something...even when your asleep, or getting ready to kick off. It is the latter activity that causes the individual, and, by extension, the brain, to panic. When it panics, it does all it can in its infinite cycle of thought to preserve consciousness and health...so what does it do? It supplies images: random images from the past, imaginings of the future, your favorite cartoon, or, most popularly, patron deity or avatar of your faith. These are to comfort you while you slip into nothingness. This phenomenon is not limited to fatal episodes either; our brains have evolved in ways that allow us to process stimuli in productive ways, even if the stimuli themselves are not so productive. We may remember things the way they never were simply because its easier and causes less stress. Some brains are not so well equipped whether due to genetic defects or mental illness (which can also play a role in the aforementioned process) and, in extreme cases, the individual can be so scared and so traumatized by what's happening, the last thing they witness is a nightmare about going to hell or hideous monsters attacking them.
Oh, and the long dark tunnel? theres a simple optical explanation for that: its the "light" going out of your pupil as witnessed through the dying individual in question. Couple that with the hallucinations to ease the obliteration, and you've got a movie-style NDE. Cut! Print!
I remember seeing a ghost or spirit or something when I was [insert prepubescent age here].
And I assume you no longer see this apparition? That probably has something to do with the fact that you were child when you saw it. A significant quantity of people believe children are born with the third eye (a Hindu concept that, thanks to the likes of western occultists, new agers and...the beatles, has crept into nearly every western religious ideology) wide open, thus allowing them to see things adults can't. I think its worth mentioning that, according to Hinduism, if someone's third eye were truly opened, they would more or less unite with God. So those babies that die at birth? They got the third eye open!
It's like this: at those ages, the mind is still developing, its yet to fully grasp concepts like deductive reasoning or...reasoning of any kind really. Not to mention the fact that the world always seems bigger an more mysterious when your very young. To put it plain, kids have one hell of an imagination. As they should. I never "saw spirits" as a child, but I did exaggerate the size of a spider by more than just a few inches: I wnet downstairs one morning and, for reasons I can't recall, peered into the bathtub, only to find the biggest spider my little mind had ever seen. I raced frantically back to my mom who was still in bed to tell her of my monstrous discovery. She came downstairs and, to my astonishment, the spider that had formerly filled the entire circumference of the tub, now fit in my mother's hand.
Why did I see the spider in such way? More than likely, what happened was I caught a glimpse of the spider and, with my young, racing mind, immediately conjured up a picture of some giant arachnid I'd seen either on TV, a comic book, or just in my head, and saw it as thought it were in front of me. Darkness and other things that obscure vision also add to the imagination's power and, surprise surprise, most of these sightings take place in conditions where lighting is less than optimum.
Don't let that stop you form being a ghost hunter though.
"I had a ouija board once and..."
Okay, okay, STOP! Just stop right there. Ouija boards are the most over reported, over-demonized, over hyped "occult" artifacts in all of horror movie history. When, in actuality, they are really one of the most tried and true government means of inducing mental illness (conspiracy theorist award!).
People tell all kinds, and I do mean ALL kinds of horror stories about them, and for every sensible individual who uses one only to find out that its utter nonsense, there's about a hundred individuals who claim monsters physically jumped out of the board and chased their family members down the hall, that the board levitated, that it reappeared in the same place the day after throwing it away, even that it screams if you burn it...no joke.
Look, let me spell it out for you: You. Are. Moving. The. Planchette. You may not know it, but you are. It's called "ideomotor movement". You look at a board with letters on it, concentrate on it, ask it (or the "spirits") a question, and, sooner or later, after having your hand or hands in the air for about 10 minutes or more, your hand starts to move. But you don't realize your doing it because your too naive, not to mention numb, to realize it. The planchette then proceeds to spell out what is your thinking of, what you might not be aware your thinking (subconsciously), or, good old fashioned gibberish. Many, dare I say most, ouija sessions end with foreboding messages like "KFJR98X". Maybe the spirits are trying to give them serials for free microsoft points?
"Yeah, well, what about Zozo?"
Ah yes, on ofthe latest independent films attempt to prey on your illogical fears, which has managed to gain quite a following. Afterall, its not a mainstream movie, and those mainstream movies never get it right (although the excorcist DID boost interest in the already ubiquitous board) so this underground film must be true, right?
For those who are (fortunately) not in the know (seriously, I envy you), Zozo is a film about a supposed "demon of the board", whom multiple people across the world have met in their ouija sessions. The demon claims to be everything from good, to evil, from a fallen angel, to Satan's son, to a deceased war hero. Obviously, the entity's name is Zozo.
So how is it that so many people have met this demon? Well, one thing no paranormal enthusiast will tell you is that, on a ouija board, the "z" , and the "o", just happen to be on opposite sides of the board...and in the same row. One of the most common hand movements in the ideomotor effect that powers the ouija fascination is that of oscillating, or going back and forth with your hand. OF-COURSE it's name is Zozo, because those are the two letters you will no doubt stop on while moving your hand from the left side of the board to the right side. Small wonder, people also report contacting a being called "Mama". Aside from the fact that many people thin about their mothers, as it so happens, the "a" and "m" are also on opposing sides fo the board, even more so than the Z and O since there is an "n" before the O, but A is (obviously) the first letter on the board, and M is the last letter in the first row. And will wonders never cease? It seems some people claim Zozo's name is actually "Zozozozo", and Mama's name is either "Ma" or "Mamamamam".
"Yeah...but.."
No buts. Look, universities have done tests in which the theory of the ouija board was tested (always good to know your tax dollars fund meaningful activities, isn't it?) by blindfolding the subjects. In most ouija sessions, the participants look at the board, thus affording their already fertile imaginations a visual aid. When they used the plachette (which, btw, is the little doo-hicky you move around and look through, if you haven't surmised that already) blindfolded, the only things the observers found spelled were either utter jibberish, or a lucky, three letter word once in a while. Quite a contrast to the more lucid and descriptive readings obtained while participants could actually see the board. Finally, to pull out all the stops, people were asked to use the board while looking once, then to be bindfolded and use it. And...many of them actually made the same movements they did blindfolded...as if the powers that be were actually trying to tell them something...but although their hands made the same movements, they did not receive the same messages...BECAUSE THE BOARD HAD BEEN TURNED UPSIDEDOWN. Talk about your "double blind" test.
"Fine. Well...what about how when my mom/best friend/dog, etc. thinks about something, I happen to think about the same thing too?"
"Believers" of all stripes have an aversion to certain term that they find completely absurd. The term is "coincidence". For some reason, these people think its impossible that something that, by human cognition, seems odd or serendipitous, would happen for absolutely no reason, and that there must be supernatural, or at least, metaphysical, implication behind it. I hate to break it to you, but if you accept the theory of relativity, you must accept the possibility of coincidence. THEY DO HAPPEN. The two of you thinking about the same thing at the same time is a coincidence. At least, that's a simple explanation. There are at least two others, but none of them involve anything otherworldly. Maybe you can think of what they are...?
"I had a feeling once..."
Yeah, I've had all kinds of feelings. I felt hurt when a bully kicked me in the mouth, scorned when my first girlfriend dumped me, and "spiritual" when I thought God was watching me. NEXT CLAIM.
"No, really, I had a feeling, and what I felt came/turned out to be true"
See the second to last claim and see if you can't get around your mental block against coincidence.
AND FINALLY, MY PERSONAL FAVORITE...
"But my friend was there, and they saw it too!"
This is not uncommon, and it often leaves less informed people the only explanation they can divine: that of paranormal activity. That's actually how most paranormal experiences take place; someone knows far too little about what's going on, and has seen way too many movies.
When someone loves/cares about someone, or that person has a strong influence over them, they can actually take experience what they experience, resulting in a shared hallucination, or a folie a deux. The families of manic depressives, schizophrenics, and other dissociative conditions know this well. When someone loves a person, and the object of their affections tells them an eight foot demonic bear poodle is stalking the hallway at night, against their better judgement, they refrain from imputing any sense of deceptiveness or falsity to their loved one, wanting, instead, to believe them. And believe they do. Becasue one night, as they go to get a drink, there's the monster in the hall. Sometimes it doesn't even take that long, sometimes a simple "omg, I saw a ghost in the garage, it looked like..." is enough to trigger the imagination of the listener, and, upon looking with them, see a "ghost" at the same time.
In the old Jimmy Stewart film "Harvey", about a man's invisible rabbit friend, his sister, who does not believe in Harvey, confesses to an analyst "sometimes I see a big white rabbit...". This is not fiction (the rabbit part is, but not her claim). This really does occur everyday all over the world. Unfortunately, it occurs in the guise of "paranormal phenomena", "the occult", "spirituality", and, worse yet, "religion". And against these, simple reason is all but powerless.
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